What have you done
today to make you feel proud?
by Michael Kimmel
A
couple of years’ ago, a friend gave me a circuit party CD that had a
terrific song on it. The chorus of the song began with the above line,
and this line has stayed with me ever since: it’s long been in heavy
rotation on my ipod. As I write this column - two weeks before San
Diego PRIDE - it strikes me that this is what pride is really about. A
daily pride. A practical, useful, real-life pride. It’s not something
we drag out once a year for a parade. It’s something we live with
day-in and day-out, whether we’re having a good day or a lousy one,
whether we’re praised for our queerness or whether a carload of
homophobic teenagers jeer at us from their passing car, we can ask
ourselves: What have I done today to make myself proud?
As
LGBT people, I believe we are especially blessed and gifted. We have
special ways of loving, unique ways of seeing and perceiving….and with
this, as with all gifts, comes responsibility. Let’s be real, we’re not
merely equal to straight people, we’re more fortunate than they are. Do
they live outside the heterosexist box as we do? Are they forced to see
what it’s like to be different as we are? Are they as insightful and
observant and creative as we are? Hell, no! At least, that’s my humble
observation. So, given that we possess all these heightened talents and
abilities, what are we doing with them? Are we making ourselves proud
by our words and deeds? For example, ask yourself:
-
Am I proud of how kind I was to someone in need today?
-
Am I proud of how patient I was with someone moving slowly today?
-
Am I proud of how compassionate I was today when I could have just
rolled my eyes. said “Whatever” and walked away?
-
Am I proud of how wisely I acted today in a difficult situation?
-
Am I proud of how calmly assertive I was when someone told a joke
insulting my LGBT brothers or sisters?
I
welcome LGBT PRIDE season. I didn’t come out until I was in my early
30’s. After almost three decades of being ashamed of being gay, I found
that PRIDE is a terrific antidote to the poison of the homophobia. But,
as openly LGBT people, at this point in our lives, what are we proud
of? Our sexual orientation? Isn’t that something we were born with?
Are we proud of how we handled it? Ah, now that’s quite a different
question. How do we handle our sexual orientation today? Do we respect
ourselves? If so, how do we show it? In what subtle ways do we
disrespect ourselves? Each other? For example, if we are gay white
men, how do we treat gay men of color? Bisexual men? Lesbians?
Transgendered individuals? People much more attractive than we are?
People much less attractive then we are? Younger people? Older
people? People with a lot more money? A lot less money?
See
my point? These situations that we deal with all the time – every day –
are difficult. It ain’t easy to be proud of yourself every day. This
isn’t just a behavior or attitude that you bring out only for PRIDE
weekend, this is the stuff that makes up our day-to-day lives. For
example: when you go into a bar or a café, how do you interact with
your brothers and sisters? Are you secure and friendly or arrogant and
fearful? When something goes wrong with your drink order, do you make a
witty but unkind remark, or can you rise above and forgive the server
who made a mistake? Can you tell your friends you love them or do you
need to make Oscar Wilde-ian remarks etched in acid? Dear Readers:
what have you done today to make yourself proud?
As
PRIDE weekend approaches fast, many of my clients obsess on their
bodies. Some of them have been working out for weeks so they can walk
around and parade their beautiful, hard-earned physiques. And why not?
As long as it’s pride, not narcissism. The former is a complement to
your life, the latter is a weakness that only serves to mirror your low
self-esteem. And, for those of us with less-than-perfect bodies, can we
take pride in ourselves just as we are? Harder still, try this one as
you walk around after the parade: can you love the Beautiful Ones? The
truly gorgeous specimens you see all about you? Can you smile at them
and wish them well, or are you a bitter, jealous person who criticizes
the young and the beautiful? Isn’t real PRIDE about more than
ourselves? Isn’t it being happy for our brothers and sisters as well?
I think we’re up for it. And while you’re at it, why not ask yourself,
today and every day:
What
have I done today to make myself proud?
Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW Lic. #20738) with a
private practice in San Diego. He can be reached at 619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com.
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