Dear
Michael:
I am 28 years old and in my first gay relationship, I used
to date girls and only recently came out. I have been with my
boyfriend Duane for 5 months now. He’s my first real true love.
That part’s all good. On the other hand, can you tell me why it’s
so hard to be part of a gay couple? I had no idea how much work it
is. Not that I don’t get a lot out of it, but all the time and
energy…I had no idea! Any advice for making it easier?
First timer in San Diego
Dear
First timer:
Congratulations! One’s first “true love” relationship is
memorable, whether it lasts a few months or decades (I hope the
latter for you). It does take a lot of work for two people to be a
successful couple…and even more work when that couple is gay/lesbian
or bisexual.
In the big picture, heterosexuals have
it easier. They draw enormous support, continuously and
unconsciously, from existing political/social institutions,
religion, and their cultural history. It’s all set up for them. As
queer people, our attempts to scale the political barrier to
same-sex marriage (or legitimization of our commitment) have met
with nationwide opposition, despite brave leads from San Francisco,
Massachusetts, and other clear-thinking locales. We have to work
harder to make our couples work. In addition, much of queer life is
not very “couple-friendly”. For many gay/bi guys your age, queer
life is about getting laid, looking good, partying, going out and
making out with men, men, men! This emphasis on self-pleasuring
doesn’t align well with coupledom. Lucky for us here in San Diego,
we have a lot of support for queer couples…in fact, many of my
clients say it’s easier to live here if you’re part of a couple…that
single life here is harder.
Well, it’s different. I’m not about
comparing the two, God knows (and She does) that each has its pros
and cons. But why is it so hard to be part of a couple? In a
committed gay relationship, by allowing your partner to get to know
you intimately, you are inviting those less-than-lovely parts of
yourself to come out loud and clear. You and he are opening a
Pandora’s Box of “previous unresolved life problems”… you know, the
box you buried in the backyard, hoping never to open again. And it
is even more challenging for queer couples, because most therapists
and psychology books are aimed at hetero couple’s therapy.
When two men (or two women or a
bisexual man or woman) commit to each other, the dynamics aren’t the
same as the hetero model. I don’t have the space here to go into
detail, but suffice it to say that we have unique needs, e.g., a
male-male couple may have problems with too strong a desire for a
variety of sexual outlets and too weak a desire for vulnerability
and intimacy. In hetero couples, the male and female stereotypes
often play out, e.g. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and
that kind of stuff. As queers, we are inventing our own genres of
love and making up the rules as we go. If you have two men from
Mars, who cleans up? Who is the more nurturing one? Who is the
more career-oriented guy? Couples with two men, such as our letter
writer and his partner, often experience more competition with each
other than hetero couples do. Two men have a lot more chances to
have sex outside the relationship than hetero couples. Don’t scream
at me for these generalizations; they obviously don’t apply to
everyone, but think about how queer couples are different from
hetero couples.
We may think (as heteros do) that being part of a couple
is about sunsets on the beach and great sex by the fireplace,
followed by hours of hugging, kissing…you know. While you may luck
into this Hallmark card life now and then, being in a couple is more
likely to be like being in an ongoing cycle of war and peace.
Conflict is inevitable. Arguing and disagreements are part of
loving someone. Expect it. If you think otherwise, you’re deluding
yourself, and you’ll run from relationship-to-relationship looking
for the man (or woman) with whom you can be “peaceful, calm and
loving”. Ha! Good luck finding him…the Dalai Lama isn’t available
(and even he has moody days).
So, where does that leave us couple-craving queers?
Conflict is vital to your growth as a couple. How do you resolve
your disagreements, your irritations with each other? How do you
talk about them? Or don’t you? Can you stand tall (yet flexible)
through the tough times, or do you crumble and run away (literally
or emotionally)? Couple-hood is not for sissies. It’s for adults
who are willing to tolerate discomfort and the messiness of growing
together with someone who will inevitably drive you crazy one minute
and then incite you to wild kisses the next. We can say, “He’s
wrong, I’m right” and act like narcissistic little children or we
can see our lover as “doing us a favor” by showing us the parts of
ourselves that are still screwed up and need work. Being part of a
couple is like shining a flashlight on the parts of yourself that
are childish or immature. Your partner will know all and see all of
you. This is not for the timid or weak.
It is better to work with, hate and enjoy, the continual
changes in couple-dom, rather then to try and escape to some
blissful, illusion of a relationship that only exists in the movies
(and seldom there, anymore). A truly loving relationship helps us
to know ourselves, know our partner, and be willing to spend time
and energy to help each other grow to become the men (or women) we
wish to be.
