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Could I be Bisexual?

By Michael Kimmel

This is an advice column I wrote for the San Diego Gay & Lesbian Times. In it, the writer questions his bisexuality and wants a lover with "the personality of a great woman put into the body of a hot guy."

Dear Michael:

I feel like I’m bisexual, but really I’m gay. I just don’t like gay men. I prefer women for relationships and men for sex. I wish I could take the personality of a great woman and put it into the body of a hot guy: THAT would be perfect! But, since I can’t, what do I do? I’ve had a lot of dates and short relationships with men, and they are hopeless. Gay men are still men, and I want an emotional relationship with a woman. But, women don’t turn me on. Believe me, I’ve tried! Even got engaged to a woman (twice) but the sex only worked when I fantasized about men. I want a lover with the body of a man and the personality of a woman.

Pulled in two directions

Dear Pulled:

Your letter reminds me of the typical laments I hear from gay men just coming out: they say they don’t like other gay men and don’t want to be around them. They’re unhappy that they're gay, telling me, “I wish I was straight, it’s so much easier being with women.” These guys are usually suffering from internalized homophobia, e.g., “I think that being gay is a bad thing but I’m gay so I’m stuck here and I hate it.” Internalized homophobia is a subtle form of oppression that is easy to ignore. Rather than look at ourselves and ask “why don’t I like people like me?” it’s easier to say, “I just don’t like gay men…they are hopeless” (your words).

The only known cure for internalized homophobia is self-examination. We’ve been well-trained (since birth) to think that gay people are less than, deviant and doomed to some kind of future unhappiness. “Oh no”, you may be saying, “I wasn’t raised that way”. Think again my friend. Even the most supportive PFLAG family can’t protect you from growing up in this homophobic society. It’s almost impossible NOT to be somewhat homophobic when you come out. We were raised – brainwashed – to be that way. We need to “unbrainwash” ourselves to be free from hating other gay men (and ourselves)…this takes time and energy. Where to start? Here are some suggestions:.

Take a look at why you don’t like other gay men, the gay community, etc. Usually it’s because you don’t like being gay yourself. If you were my client, I may suggest that you sit down and write out “My Gay History” of how you realized you were gay. Start with childhood, and that more-than-crush on your best friend, your handsome neighbor, or whomever. This is YOUR story, so make it as detailed as you like. Remember how you struggled (or not) to admit you were gay, how did you make peace with it (or haven’t you?). Use this story to gain insight into your own unique form of homophobic “brainwashing”. The first step of change is to see where you are now and how you got there. Continued