Balancing Heart,
Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
by Michael Kimmel
Dear
Michael:
When
you meet someone basically through hot sex and then discover that there
might be more...much more, what can you do? I met this guy at a
bathhouse and we had great sex. REALLY great. I can’t stop thinking
about him and wonder if there’s more to him than I initially thought. I
have his number, but I’m afraid to call. What do I do now? How do you
turn a hot sex trick into possible relationship material?
Backtracking in Clairemont
Dear
Backtracking:
As a
psychotherapist with a practice largely of gay men, I encourage my
clients to see a good relationship as a marriage (pun intended) of mind,
heart and dick. If any one of these is left out, good luck! So first
off, when you let your dick lead you into sex with someone, tell the
truth about it: the dicks were in charge! And we've all been there. But
what happens when a sex hook-up becomes more: when your heart and mind
start to get involved? Wow! What a great surprise, isn't it? Some
might say it's a gift from God, but, regardless of the source, it is a
GIFT and I encourage my clients to look at it this way.
First off, pay attention to yourself and notice what’s going
on with you. Look inward first! What is your heart saying? Do you
hear your heart beating faster? Is your heart saying that there could
be deep feelings here? Do you feel that this is way more than just
sucking or fucking? Is your heart happy? Is it singing? No, not in
that fake MGM-musical kind of way, but in a warm, tender, sweet
vulnerable way. That’s real.
Secondly, what is your head saying? This can be harder to
identify, because our mind can be our best friend or worst enemy. If
you are thinking clearly and not coming from fear or scars from past
relationships, your mind might be saying, “Hey, you know, there is
potential here for more than I expected…he might be a really great
guy…why not see what’s possible”. On the other hand, if you are one of
the walking wounded (we all live there part time, like a time-share
condo) you might think, “Oh yeah, right, like this bathhouse sex date is
going to turn into a deep, meaningful relationship. Don’t be an idiot,
it’s just sex. You got your rocks off, move on!” You might even hear
both voices inside your head: not unusual. These voices can create
internal debates that paralyze us from taking any action. Don’t go
there.
I strongly encourage you to notice what your heart and head
are saying BEFORE you take any action at all. You had great sex, there
might be more to this man than you thought. What do you do now? It’s
usually helpful to not act impulsively, instead, you can sit with your
thoughts and feelings and see what you really want, feel, think (it’s
called impulse control dear readers and you can do it!)
I recommend you sit for three days with your feelings before
deciding to call/not call Mr. Sex Toy. If you decide to call, tell him
(and yourself) the truth: that you’d like to see if there’s more to you
two than just good sex. Be brave and be honest and ask for what you
want. If he says no, you won’t crumble. If he says yes, then you’re
ready for a new adventure. I can’t tell you where that adventure may
take you, but couldn’t it be great to find out?
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
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spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
