Bathhouse
Revelations
by Michael Kimmel
Dear
Michael:
This
is a column I wrote where the reader has a bathhouse "revelation" and
wonders if he has a sexual addiction (or not). In my answer are
questions you can ask yourself if you wonder if your sexual behavior
borders on the addictive side.
Last month I went to a bathhouse. There was a “counselor”
there who was talking with people about sex addictions. It was super
bizarre, having him there, in a bathhouse of all places, but he was cute
so I went in to talk with him. He told me that I have a sex addiction
problem. That tripped me out and I walked out of the room, but this has
bothered me ever since. I do cruise a lot, and often have sex in the
steam room and sauna at my gym, does that mean I have a sex addiction?
Please enlighten me. Thanks.
Dazed and confused
Dear
D&C:
An
addiction is any behavior that interferes with your life and with your
well-being. It doesn’t help you become any happier, it just gets in the
way. This could be eating, gambling, shopping or even behaviors that
are usually helpful, like working and exercising. Alcohol and drugs are
the “popular” addictions, but any behavior that “runs” us can be an
addiction.
Some
people with sex addictions have such strong addictions that they find
themselves driving around gay cruising areas at 3AM because they “have
to have it” right there and now. This kind of addiction obviously
screws up your life. The addiction has control of you, not vice-versa.
If
you think you have a sex addiction, here are some questions to ask
yourself:
-
Is it okay with me if I don’t have sex for periods of time?
-
Do I panic when I think that I might not have sex today/tonight/this
week?
-
Do I need to have sex or is a choice, e.g., can I take it or leave
it?
-
Do I actively seek out sex? If so, do I spend large amounts of time
doing so?
-
Can I turn down sex or do I take it any time I can get it?
-
Do I think about sex frequently? Does it interfere with my job,
being with friends, social activities, etc.?
-
I
had to give up sex for a week, how would it impact my life?
-
Do I put myself at risk as a result of my sexual activities, e.g.,
getting arrested for public sex, having unsafe sex, frequently
inviting people I don’t know into my home for sex?
No
activity is, in itself, addictive. It is we who become addicted to the
behavior. Addictive behavior of any kind is behavior that interferes
with our ability to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted people. Sex
can be a glorious, joyful and life-enhancing experience or it can be
like being caught in an endless loop where “there is never enough” and
we’re trying to fill a seemingly empty hole inside of ourselves by
sleeping with anyone we can, anytime, any place.
Having sex in the steam room and sauna at your gym sounds pretty high
risk. Assuming your gym wouldn’t appreciate this, is it worth of risk
of possibly losing your gym membership, or worse? This is, after all,
considered sex in a public place. I strongly suggest that you take a
good look at your sexual behavior and, with the help of a counselor or
wise friend, ask yourself the questions I listed above, and get some
clarity is your sexual behavior bringing you the kinds of experiences
you want? The first step in any kind of change is awareness that there
may be a problem. Congratulations! You have the insight to ask
yourself some tough questions: from this place of insight, positive
action is an inevitable outcome. Good luck!
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
