Codependent? No
more!
by Michael Kimmel
Dear Michael:
I have a difficult question for you. Several years ago I was friends
with someone and he ended it abruptly (refuses to talk to me etc).
No
problem with me that he ended the friendship, but it's been at least 7
years now and he is still as angry, hateful, etc. as day one. This has
caused him headaches, backaches, stomach aches and muscle problems.
Every chance he gets he says untrue, hateful
things about me to anyone that will listen. I feel like I'm literally
killing him. How can I get him to move on with his life?
I'm very happy, content, and can easily live
without him in my life.
Confused in Oceanside
Dear Confused:
I can appreciate your concern about your former friend, but the
bottom line is that it isn’t your problem, is it?
If you are “very happy, content and can easily
live without him”, why is this your problem?
It appears that you have a problem with his
unhappiness and YOU have an inability to let go of HIM.
From your Email, you still feel some responsibility for him and it’s
hard for you to let him be as unhappy as he is.
This, my friend, is the essence of co-dependence, that often-used (and
misused) word.
Co-dependent people are overly responsible (sound familiar?) and unable
to let go of people.
You
said that you can’t “get him to move on with his life”; this is not
within your control.
You
can only move on with your life.
You don’t have any control over what he does.
If
he is harassing you, that’s different.
You
can talk with a lawyer and get a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) if
that’s appropriate.
If
he’s slandering you, you can also consider legal action.
But if he’s doing neither of these things and is
simply a very unhappy person, then only someone codependent is going to
try to fix HIM.
Instead of focusing on him and all of his problems, take a deeper look
at yourself: is this a pattern for you?
Have you always been like this, hyper-responsible for others? (E.g., “I
feel like I’m literally killing him”).
If
so, focus on yourself.
Melody Beatty’s book “Codependent No More” is a good start, and there
are meetings for people working on becoming less codependent (a/k/a
“CODA” meetings).
Google "CODA meetings" on the Internet for local
meeting locations and times.
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
