Divorce. It's never easy. One of
the most heart wrenching aspects are the children. In fact, staying
together for the sake of the kids may really be a mask for staying
together because we don't know how to deal with the emotions.
Of course your kids will
be upset by the divorce. Who could blame them? Actually it is a "normal"
reaction. It is healthy for children to experience these negative
feelings. More importantly, they need to express them. Don't be distressed
by their concerns. The best thing you can do for your kids is to accept
and support their feelings.
Sometimes pre-scripting your answers can
make you feel stronger in your convictions. Here are some suggested ways
to be supportive and comforting to your kids.
Does he/she express
sadness?
"Yes, I feel sad, too. Mommy and Daddy
wanted to live together forever. I'm sad that we can't. Unfortunately we
don't always get what we want.
Is he/she angry?
"Yes, I am right there with you. If my
parents couldn't live together and I wanted them to, I would be mad, too.
But sometimes they just can't go on living together."
Is he/she fearful?
"Yes, it can feel scary when
things are changing. Especially if we aren't sure what's going to happen
next. But you might be surprised, it could turn out to be an adventure,
and it can be better than what we've been doing."
Does he/she blame you or
themselves?
"Yes, I know when things don't go the way
we hoped, we think it must be somebody's fault. But sometimes things just
happen and it is no one's fault.
The magic word here is
YES. The first step is to accept the child's feelings and restore their
confidence that you are in agreement with them. Then propose the
alternative way of looking at the situation.
If you are going
through a divorce or know some one who is, contact us at
www.afairway.com. We know divorce is never easy
and will gladly offer you references for the support needed at this
difficult time.
Other Articles by
Richard Gordon
Divorce is never easy, especially for the children
Home for the Holidays
Mediation 101
Mediation of Gay/Lesbian marriages not found in
court
Mediator: "It's not about winning or losing"
Prenuptial Agreements
