THE BOTTOM
LINE ON WELLNESS
Michael Kimmel, Psychotherapist
DRAMA
QUEENS (and KINGS)
In
a perfect world, drama belongs on stage, not in your daily life. Don’t
you agree? Think about it: do you ever find yourself overly reactive,
theatrical or emotional? By choice? By desperation? Unless you have a
true personality disorder (see a good psychotherapist if you have
questions about this) I’m here to tell you: you DO have control over
the drama in your life.
What is your drama doing for you? Where is it taking you? And this
isn't just for so-called “hysterical” over-the-top emotion. It's time
for that stereotype to die. “Macho” men (and women) do drama too, only
they play it out in slightly different ways, e.g., "egomaniac",
"power-hungry" or "king of the mountain". Whether it’s more “Streetcar
Named Desire” or Donald Trump-like, drama is drama, and it’s not good
for your mental health.
There is nothing wrong with living large if that's truly who you are.
When I lived in Paris (in my younger years), I noticed that Parisian
women often wear large, attention-getting jewelry...and they do so
quietly and elegantly. They walk softly and carry a big bracelet, so to
speak. Being real doesn’t mean being mousy and boring, it does mean
being true to yourself…and when you’re true to yourself, the drama
quotient in your life inevitably goes down. Why? Drama is a cry for
help: Help! No one loves me! Help! No one cares! Help! No one
thinks I’m hot! Someone pay attention to me, please!
If you’re a fabulous drag queen performing at Lips, then
drama and hyperbole are to be expected. If you’re a “regular” LGBT
person living your life and feeling unloved, unappreciated or
disconnected from what matters in life, then perhaps you’ve lost sight
of who you really are and are focusing too much on your “image”.
Focusing too much on “image” is a big part of drama and is
psychologically unhealthy. I wish this wasn’t so. Truly I do. I wish
that a buff body, great hair and beautiful clothes would bring
happiness. If that was so, we could all be happy all the time, once we
found the right trainer, haircutter and wardrobe. Unfortunately, it
doesn’t work this way. For example: think of someone you know and
respect. Someone who has integrity, self-confidence, humility and
wisdom. Is this person dramatic? I doubt it.
Drama is not the voice of your best friend, it is the voice of your
deepest fears…the ones that plagued you as a child but no longer need to
dominate your adulthood. Most of us, as we enter our late 20’s or early
30’s, start to leave drama behind. The insecurity that gives birth to
drama thankfully diminishes as we age. We gain a sense of who we really
are, as opposed to who we have been told we should be. Finding out who
we really are is no small task; it goes on our whole lives. Many people
in their 70’s and 80’s are still discovering new and surprising aspects
of themselves…and feel more alive than they ever did in their 20’s. No
one tells us much about this, but if you hang out with LGBT elders,
you’ll see that we don’t all become cynical and bitter. Many of us
become happier and more playful! If this were broadcast on CNN -
instead of Britney Spears’ latest problem - we’d all have a helluva lot
less fear of aging and I’d hear fewer clients tell me, “I don’t want to
get old; no one’s going to want me”. This kind of neurotic self-talk
encourages drama…and lots of it.
One
source of drama for us LGBTers is fear of aging. Growing older, a
totally normal thing, makes us anxious and drama-prone, e.g., “Look how
many gray hairs I have. I’d better start coloring my hair” or “God, I
have so many wrinkles…it’s time for botox.” There’s an ad out for a new
moisturizer whose copy reads, “I’m 40, but I look 10 years’ younger.”
This is the kind of fear that makes us afraid to be ourselves and pushes
us toward the drama of panic and insecurity. Is it really a surprise
that so many LGBT people today have panic attacks? Never before has the
pressure been so intense for us to try to become someone we’re
not…someone who looks younger, seems happier, has more money than we
really do. Ugh.
The antidote: look beneath your drama and see what
you're avoiding. Usually, it’s a fear of feeling small, unimportant or
ignored. Really confident people have less drama; they simply don’t
need it. They have the strength and power INSIDE themselves. They
don’t need to proclaim it on the outside. I’m not saying not to be
assertive. By all means, protest injustice and put your time and energy
into causes and activities that are meaningful to you. But if you find
you like to be the center of attention – whether you are or not – maybe
you’re a bit too dramatic. The antidote to: “No one loves me! No one
cares! No one thinks I’m hot!” isn’t panic, anxiety or drama. The real
way to feel loved, connected and attractive is to find it inside
yourself. Drama doesn’t like a quiet self-confidence. It hates a
genuine sense of humility and gratitude. Focus your energy on
developing these qualities and watch your confidence grow and your drama
fade away. And don’t be surprised how easily it may happen: you simply
won’t need it anymore.
