This
is an advice column I wrote for San Diego's Gay & Lesbian Times. In
this column, the reader asks me for advice on a 10 year relationship
that, in general, is really good but where the sex has virtually
disappeared,.
Dear Michael:
I am in a 10 year
relationship that, in general, is really good. The problem is that the
sex has virtually disappeared, even though we both love each other a
lot. We even went to a couple's therapist but it didn't do any good. The
therapist didn't want to talk about sex (he seemed uncomfortable) and so
we didn't. On a recent Oprah show, they say that the better the
intimacy, the better the sex. But that's not true for us. We are a
loving couple with a saggy sex life.
Bored in Bed
Dear Bored:
I apologize on
behalf of my fellow therapist; many doctors and psychologists aren't
comfortable talking about sex, and so they don't encourage their clients
to do so. Shame! Sex is a wonderful, vibrant part of life, and to ignore
it is unwise and counter-productive. Not all of us therapists are
sex-positive (yet). The field of sex therapy is a rapidly expanding one
(I know, bad pun) and while I am not a sex therapist, I keep up with
recent research in this area. I am comfortable talking with my clients
about sex, and encourage all readers of this column to not settle for a
therapist who isn't.
Traditional
psychological theory pretty much follows the "Oprah" line: sex and
emotional intimacy are inextricably interlinked. Sex problems =
emotional problems. But, is this really true? It doesn't sound like it
is for you and your partner. I've recently checked out a great new book:
"Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic" by Esther
Perel. It's quite a controversial book here in therapy land. It's premise
is: all us man-loving men want someone who is financially sound,
emotionally stable, ambitious, masculine, caring, hip, sexy and
passionate. However, she says, "those qualities don't go together in the
same person. It's like you're looking for four different men rolled into
one". Sound familiar, single guys? Most of us are torn between security
and adventure. We want stability but we also want excitement...in the
same man. Perel says that "the body wants experiences that are very
different from what the mind wants. Psychology is so focused on the
talking cure that it disrespects the body" and the body wants excitement
in bed, not just someone to do the dishes with.
Perel says that part
of the solution is talking about sex, masturbation, and fantasy with
your partner. Just the two or you or with a good therapist who isn't
afraid of such a lively (scary?) discussion. I agree: it's not that we
expect too little from our partners; we expect too much. We expect our
partners to solve our loneliness, excite us in bed, and empty the
dishwasher. We want to be married to Superman in bed and Clark Kent when
it's time to pay the bills. Who can live up to such expectations?
So, how do you
work with dull sex in your relationship? I don't recommend all those
self-help books that encourage you to jack up the libido by stuff like
making a sex date or renting a dirty movie (oh please). Perel's advice
is to talk less and be more distant. Does a bit of distance enhance
sexual/emotional intimacy, or destroy it? The idea of "healthy
distance" in a relationship means that each person needs friends of
their own, activities they do on their own, It isn't emotionally or
sexually healthy to share everything with your partner. Ironically,
groping for greater closeness may kill your sex life, why not try a
bit more autonomy? You can turn to your partner and say, "you're
abandoning me" or you can be willing to change yourself and your role
in your relationship. Things often become a lot less pressurized when
we stop expecting our partner to be our "everything": a wild man in
the bedroom and a stable, down-to-earth shoulder to cry on. We can't
get it all from one person and it's a setup for failure to try. I have
a client who told me that he's married his husband three times: their
relationship has shifted and changed that much in the 17 years they've
been together. Hint: they were BOTH willing to CHANGE. Are you? Is
your partner? I suggest you experiment with the suggestions from the
Perel book and really TALK with your partner about what you want from
sex and masturbation. Discuss your fantasies. Rather than deepen your
emotional intimacy, why not focus on deepening your sexual connection?
And consider lowering your expectations of each other; less emotional
pressure always leads to better sex!
