This is
a column I wrote for San Diego's Gay & Lesbian Times on what to do when
you're bored with your partner - especially in bed - after you've
been together for a few years.
Dear Michael:
My boyfriend and I
have been together for a little over three years now, and we’re doing
well in most departments, except that we’re getting kind of bored with
each other, especially in bed. When we first met it was all hot and
heavy and we both were so passionate. And now? We’re like old straight
married people…we only have good sex once or twice a month. Yeah, we
cuddle and stuff, and we really love each other, but we’re in a real
rut.
Bored already
Dear Bored:
Did you ever see that Marilyn Monroe movie “The Seven Year Itch”? It was
about the idea that (straight) men get bored with their wives after seven
years, and may look for a new woman to revive their faltering libido. For
us gay guys, a more appropriate title to describe our relationships may
be: The three year itch”.
As a therapist for gay men and gay couples, I have noticed a pattern:
after about three years’ together, many gay couples hit a wall called
“boredom”. It often manifests in sexual boredom, but it can show up in
other ways too:
-
letting yourself
go (gaining weight, not exercising, eating poorly),
-
letting your
social life (with your partner and/or on your own) become almost non-existent,
-
becoming bored
with yourself, your life, your job, and
-
taking your
partner for granted
This can be a time when gay couples start to consider “open” relationships
or begin to develop fantasy lives that involve other men.
Why? The glitter has worn off. You know too much about him to harbor any
illusions. You’ve seen each other at your worst and probably had three
years of ups and downs, stony silences and angry arguments. While this is
the cement of real intimacy, it is death to illusions of romantic love.
Notice that I said “illusions” of romantic love.
Falling in love is easy. Just let yourself go. You needn’t think much
about it. The mystery of your new man is enticing and it’s a lot of fun
to get to know him and to let him slowly get to know you. Everything’s
new and sex is often a glorious playtime. Then, six months, a year or two
or three later, all your illusions are gone, and what are you left with?
A real relationship with a real man is bound to be the best and worst of
everything you can imagine.
Love is a lot of work. Falling in love is just that: falling. Let
yourself fall into it. Staying in love is about: staying…with your man
through thick and thin, through anger, jealousy, mistrust and
disappointment as well as all the good stuff like affection, closeness,
security, comfort, reliability and steel-belted radial tires (sounds like
a good car, doesn’t it?)
What can we do about the boredom? Boredom is fear in disguise. What are
we afraid of? That our lives aren’t enough, that we are not enough, nor
is our partner. Boredom is the engine behind that little voice at the
back of your mind that says, “You know what? You made a mistake…and look
what you’ve got now.” This voice says, “Dump him and get someone more
exciting/intelligent/funny/whatever and you’ll be a lot happier.”
Fear is the voice of the Three Year Itch. “You did it wrong,” it says,
“look how everyone else is much happier and more in love than you are.
Get out of this relationship and move on to someone better.” It’s an
interesting idea: this continual search for someone better (some people
call it “the search for my soul mate”, sound familiar?) How will we know
when we find him? Will we ever get there? No, because this ideal
relationship is an illusion. Every new lover eventually becomes
familiar. Newness masks fear. It’s like when you buy something new
because you’re scared or lonely or bored. It cheers you up, right? For
about five minutes. Then the fear comes back. Relationships are the
same. A new man may make you happy…for about five months…but every man
will fall off his pedestal when the glitter wears off and his burps, farts
and heavy baggage inevitably make their appearance. You can keep running
(tiring) or become a monk or nun (boring wardrobe) or face the music and
dance…with your man.
We get bored with our men because we’re bored with ourselves. We become
complacent and stop growing and changing. Every loving couple is a living
creation of two people, every relationship needs time and energy and work
and attention and perseverance to survive and thrive.
Consider these lines by Rainer Maria Rilke:
“Those who love must act as if they have a great work to accomplish. They
must be much alone and go into themselves; gather and concentrate
themselves. They must work. They must become something. For the more we
are, the richer everything we experience is, and those who want to have a
deep love in their lives must collect and save for it…”
A loving, growing, thriving relationship is “a great work to accomplish”,
perhaps there is nothing more worthwhile. But it’s work….work with an
amazing potential for happiness. The Three Year Itch is just one
manifestation of the kinds of obstacles that stand in our way of really
loving our man, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, for
richer or for poorer…you know! By growing, changing and thriving as an
individual, you contribute this same life and vitality and spontaneity to
your relationship.
