Getting along with
difficult people
by Michael Kimmel
GETTING ALONG WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
No
matter how wonderful your life is, it’s impossible to avoid difficult
people. These unpleasant folks may be your neighbors, coworkers,
family, clients, boss or even your partner. Regardless of who they are,
how are we going to get along with them? We can’t just blow them off
and run away (they have a way of finding us), so we need to find ways to
make peace with them, no matter how stupid, obnoxious or unpleasant they
are.
Know
Yourself
Take
some time and figure out what kind of people drive you “crazy”, e.g.,
who in your life can really push your buttons? These pain-in-the-ass
people (I call them “PITAs”) are your triggers. When you notice one of
your PITAs is triggering you, what can you do? How can you avoid being
a “victim” of someone else’s lousy unhappiness?
Watch
Your Body
Most
of us feel stress/tension/worry when we’re around our PITAs. Notice
what happens to your body when you’re around them. Where does the stress
and tension show up? Imagine that you’re talking with someone (e.g.,
your least favorite person in the world) who’s really obnoxious; notice
what’s going on in your body. Where do you feel physical sensations?
Many of us, when we’re around difficult people, feel our shoulders and
necks get rigid. Often we “stuff” our anger/frustration in our
stomach. Some of us lock our jaws or tighten up our eyes. We all have
our own ways of how our bodies react to the PITAs in our life. We can
use this to change how we habitually respond to them.
PITAs
at Work
Our
private lives are usually easier to control, but what about our work
life? At work, we’re often stuck dealing with difficult people, whether
they’re customers, coworkers or supervisors. While you’re at work, what
can you do to help yourself handle your PITAs more easily?
Get some physical exercise before you come to work, during breaks or
at lunch. Hit the gym on the way to work, take a walk around the
building during a break or go for a brisk stroll at lunch. After a
challenging day at work, when you get home, do something fun and/or
relaxing, e.g., play with your pets or your kids, do a little yoga,
meditation, prayer, hang out in nature, listen to music you like, enjoy
some gardening or reading. While at work, limit your caffeine and
sugar intake and you’ll have fewer emotional ups and downs. When
not at work, limit alcohol: it messes up deep sleep patterns so that -
the next day - your PITAs can easily irritate you. At lunchtime,
notice what foods make you sleepy or groggy and which ones leave you
alert and energized when you’re back at your desk. Before you leave for
work, eat something for breakfast. It’s not good to go to work
on an empty stomach: you’re more likely to be moody and let a difficult
person get to you. All day long: drink lots of water: it gets
electrolytes to your brain and helps you think more clearly: a good
skill to have when dealing with your PITAs.
Watch
your Self-Talk
What
do you tell yourself when someone obnoxious starts to piss you off?
Imagine a situation where you’ve been insulted by a difficult client.
Got it? Now try these 3 steps to change your self-talk:
-
Notice what you’re thinking (“All the morons are coming in today”.)
-
Stop thinking that thought (think “Delete” or “Erase”)
-
Substitute another thought in the same vein that is positive or at
least neutral (“I can handle a few difficult clients. Most of my
clients are good people This too will pass.”)
Your
Ideal Relaxation Place (IRP)
Here’s a secret weapon in the war against the PITAs: Close your eyes
and visualize the most peaceful place you’ve ever been. What it was
like? Really experience it with all your senses; feel as if you’re
really there. This place – your Ideal Relaxation Place (IRP) - is your
secret weapon against difficult people. Your IRP is always there when
you need it, because it’s all in your mind. You can go there any time
you need to escape from those evil PITAs. If you have 10 seconds, you
can go there quickly. If you have 20-30 seconds, even better.
Problems with sleeping
If
you don’t sleep well, you’re more vulnerable to people pushing your
buttons. Here are some suggestions for getting a good night’s sleep:
Avoid intense exercise or eating within 3 hours of sleep time. Don’t
watch the news or read newspapers at this time either: you don’t want to
take those “death, doom & disaster” thoughts to sleep with you. If
you’re physically tense, a hot bath with epson salts helps your muscles
relax.
Take
good care of yourself
We
really do have a choice in how we respond to difficult people; we’re not
helpless little victims. Knowing yourself and taking good care of
yourself minimizes how much your PITAs will be able to push your buttoms
and piss you off. By watching how your body reacts to difficult people
and being aware of the food and drink you put in it, you’ll have more
control over what you used to think were “automatic” or “gut” reactions
to all those annoying people in your life. Try the IRP visualization
when someone annoys you and do your best to minimize negative
self-talk.
Aim
for improvement, not perfection
No
one’s perfect: we all lose it now and then. Don’t beat yourself up if
you get irritated at one of your PITAs. Instead, forgive yourself,
apologize (if necessary) and gently help yourself get back on track.
Eventually, fewer and fewer people will be able to drive you “crazy” and
those pain-in-the-ass people will start to leave you alone because
they’ll no longer get a reaction out of you. They’ll start to bother
other people instead, and you’ll no longer feel like a “victim” of
anyone else’s lousy mood/day/life. Some people call this “happiness”.
Check it out.
Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW Lic. #20738) with a
private practice in San Diego. He can be reached at 619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com
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