“A
Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
by Michael Kimmel
This is the subtitle to the eye-opening and paradigm-bending book, “The
Ethical Slut”, by D. Easton and C. Liszt. Another title I considered for
this column is: “Emotional Monogamy in Non-Monogamous Relationships”,
but that’s too many words. In this column, let’s explore sexual
monogamy, emotional monogamy and “open relationships” (relationships
where a couple has more than one sexual partner).
Many of my coupled clients, colleagues and friends are examining
traditional heterosexual marriage-based relationships and finding them
lacking. Other people, however, think that the idea of “emotional
monogamy and sexual non-monogamy” is just a cop-out, a way to
rationalize not being faithful to your partner.
While this is a controversial issue, it’s a great opportunity for us
LGBTers to be social pioneers and make our own way. We can critically
analyze what heterosexist society has pushed on us for the two past
hundred years or so. For many of us, the model of a traditional
monogamous “marriage” isn’t a good fit, no matter how many movies or TV
shows tell us that a “faithful” marriage is the only way to go.
To
tell the truth: it’s not working very well for the hetero folks, is it?
When half of straight marriages result in divorce, this is a hardly a
wonderful role model for us to emulate. Here are some typical problems
with long-term monogamy:
-
Is it realistic to only have sex with one person for the rest of
your life?
-
ncompatible sexual desires, e.g., you’re both tops; one of you likes
anal sex and the other doesn’t; you like wild, animal-like sex and
he likes it tender and gentle
-
Incompatible libidos: you want to do it once a day – minimum – and
she’s happy with once a month
When looking at alternatives to long-term monogamy, let’s not idealize
open relationships either. After all, how many open relationships are
happy and healthy? In fact, isn’t it more difficult to have a good open
relationship than a “closed” one? After all, in a closed relationship
you have only one other person to work out your intimate difficulties
and disagreements with. If you open up your relationship to other
people, you may have two, three, four or more people to learn to get
along with, communicate with, understand, get to know, etc. While
“infinite sexual possibilities” sounds great in theory, how the hell do
you pull this off with grace and sanity?
So
let’s say you and your partner want to remain emotionally faithful but
want to sexually open up your relationship. This is likely to bring
major changes to all aspects of your relationship. I recommend that you
both sit down and figure out what you each mean by “emotionally
faithful” and to figure out how sexually opening up your relationship is
likely to change it. If you were my clients, I’d have some questions for
you:
-
What is your intention for your relationship? Why are you two still
together, anyway? Is it to have fun, share great sex, deepen an
emotional connection, see if you can be life partners?
-
What would be the purpose of an open relationship? Of Monogamy? What
are the pros and cons of each?
-
What role does sex play in your relationship? Do you see yourself as
a monogamous person (or not)?
-
What does “emotional monogamy” mean to you and your partner? If this
is important to you, how can remain emotionally committed to each
other while having sex with other people?
In
my years of counseling experience, I’ve seen many long-term emotionally
monogamous relationships that are sexually “open” or periodically go
through “open” periods. In a long-term relationship, sex over time often
becomes predictable. Depending on the value that the partners place on
sex, this may or may not be a problem. Some people like consistency and
the comfort of consistency in bed (e.g., I know what you like and you
know what turns me on) while others thrive on change and creativity. You
needn’t give up monogamy to be spontaneous and creative (in fact, I
encourage you not to) but an open sexual relationship can be stimulating
and invigorating for a long-term committed relationship. There are,
however, many challenges to making it work for all people involved.
-
Feelings of jealousy and insecurity
-
Possibly falling in love (or lust) with someone else
-
Feeling scared and disoriented as the formerly predictable structure
of your relationship changes
-
Confusion about how to structure this brave new world you’re jumping
into
-
Your relationship may not be solid to begin with and opening it up
actually makes it worse
-
Less sexual intimacy may lead to less emotional intimacy so you end
up feeling more like housemates than lovers
Monogamy or open relationship? The joys of Infinite sexual possibilities
or the security of one person for the rest of your life? These are
questions with no right answer, save the one that every couple comes up
with. If you and your partner are considering opening up your
relationship, by all means: discuss it, consider my questions, and make
your decision. And one more thing: relax! Nothing is irreversible. You
can always shift as your relationship changes over time. Your
relationship can be as fluid as you like: today you may regularly want a
new man in your bed. Next month/year, you may want to make love to the
same woman every night. You get to call the shots. If you want emotional
monogamy with physical non-monogamy, talk about it with your partner: be
brave, bring the subject up with tact and respect and see what you both
come up with.
Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW Lic. #20738) with a
private practice in San Diego. He can be reached at 619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com
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Bad Boys and Good Boys
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Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
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Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
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Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
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My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
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Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
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