Happiness: What is
it and how to get more of it
by Michael Kimmel
A few
months’ ago, David Gersten, a San Diego physician, wrote a column about
“Happiness” in a local monthly periodical. I clipped it out and kept
it: it has haunted me ever since. Why? Most of my clients want to be
happier…they want more happiness and less pain and suffering in their
lives. Who doesn’t? But, what is happiness? We all know it when we
feel it, or do we? Is it just to feel good, joyful, optimistic,
healthy, alive? Or is it a deepr sense of pleasure, satisfaction,
well-being? Dr. Gersten claims that “the happiest time of life for men
is ages 60-69, and the unhappier period is ages 20-29”. Is this true
for all men, or just straight men? Is happiness for us LGBTers related
to coming out, reducing our homophobia, staying physically healthy,
having a good group of friends and sense of community?
Is it
that true – as many new agers claim – that happiness is a choice? Is it
also true – as Freud claimed – that it takes more effort to be happy
than it does to be unhappy?
What
is it?
Happiness is self-defined, yet it mostly about feelings that you enjoy
and are pleasurable. Your happiness may not look or feel like mine; the
things that make your boyfriend happy may not make you happy, and
vice-versa. Happiness is also experienced on a body level: a happy
body is full of energy, flexibility, aliveness and strength. It can
take you almost anywhere and recover quickly from difficult
situations.
Let
me help you define what happiness is for you.
Complete this sentence: For me, real happiness is
______________________.
What
makes you happy? Take a minute and make a little list. Don’t overthink
it, just write down a few things. Then take a look at the list: is
there a theme? Are there links between the things you wrote. For
example, are most of the things you wrote related to social events, or
physical activities, or things done in solitude?
When
was the last time you did anything on the list?
When
was the last time you really felt happy? What kinds of things have
brought you happiness in the past?
Who
are some people you know who seem to be happy? Write down their names.
What
is it about them that makes them happy? What are they like?
Some
people believe that happiness is a by-product of being true to yourself:
that when you are the person on the outside that you feel you are on the
inside, that all the parts of you are in alignment and happiness is
inevitable.
Dr.
Gersten calls Buddhism: “the Olympics of Happiness”. His logic: “if
there is one key to happiness, it’s the ability to live fully and
completely in the moment”. While this may be a crucial piece, I don’t
completely buy it. After all, you could be completely miserable and
living it fully and completely and you’d be a helluva long ways from
happiness. There’s more to it than this. While Buddhism is about
finding the cause of suffering (the opposite of happiness?) it also
appears to be about locating the source of happiness internally, not
externally. This, I heartily embrace. In previous columns, I’ve spoken
of how external events, people and places cannot be lasting sources of
anything predictable, because people and events are, by nature,
unpredictable. If you hook your happiness onto someone else, or
something happening a certain way, your happiness is shaky indeed.
Lasting happiness (assuming it’s possible) has gotta come from a lasting
source…a source that you can control. The only thing you can control is
your mind and body…and that’s a challenge in itself. For some people,
this is where spirituality comes in. God or Spirit is seen as the only
unchanging source of happiness and, in theory, we need to align with
this/Him/Her in order to have a continual pipeline to happiness. Well,
all you spiritual folks out there, how easy it THAT to pull off on a
continual basis? Quite difficult, isn’t it?
It
really doesn’t matter whether you have a spiritual belief system or not,
happiness has got to come from within. There’s nothing else we have
guaranteed access to: money, your partner, your job, your house, it’s
all temporary (sorry to tell you) and can be here today, gone tomorrow.
Let’s
look at unhappiness too. Many of my clients find it easier to talk
about their unhappiness than their happiness. They’re more familiar
with their unhappiness and it’s easier to see where it comes from. So
let’s use this as a key to looking at happiness from the “other” side.
Where
does most of your unhappiness come from?
Genetic predispositions towards depression or addictive behavior can be
roadblocks to happiness. So can chronic physical problems,
How
to get more of it:
In an
effort to avoid a cookbook mentality, here are some possible ways to
experience more happiness:
Identify what historically has brought you happiness and unhappiness.
Study
people that you think are happier than you are. What do they have that
you don’t? If you can, ask them about themselves and how they find
their happiness. I bet you’ll learn something useful.
Begin
to quiet your mind a bit: any activity that brings your mind some peace
and quiet is setting the tone for happiness.
Find
ways to let yourself be more spontaneous (more yourself): do you need
to spend a day alone hiking, or an afternoon playing golf, or an evening
dancing (without inhibition) until the club closes? What do you need to
loosen up more? Identify it and try doing it and see what happens.
Live
more in the moment. This is hard work, so start gradually. Notice when
you’re off in some future hopes or dreams and kindly bring yourself back
to this moment. Happiness is only available NOW, not tomorrow and not
yesterday. If you’re stuck in the past, overanalyzing something for the
millionth time, gently bring yourself back to the present.
Practice becoming more flexible and forgiving. If you can “go with the
flow”, your odds of happiness increase exponentially. If you are
typically very rigid and have to have things your way or you get bent
out of shape, happiness is unlikely to fly in your window (because
you’re got it bolted shut and locked down). Forgiveness is another key
to happiness. The person you refuse to forgive for their stupid
put-down is probably off at the beach having a good time while you’re
still stuck in your misery. Forgiveness isn’t about making the other
person feel better, it helps you feel better. I’m not advocating faux
forgiveness, but, rather, a willingness to forgive, let the past go and
live in the here and now.
Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW Lic. #20738) with a
private practice in San Diego. He can be reached at 619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com
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