Dear Michael:
I have a weird
problem: I have so much Internet sex that sex with real guys is
crappy in comparison and I don’t get off. Last night I had a date
with this cute guy. The date went great, we went back to his
place, but I kept fantasizing about Internet sex while we were making
out. This tripped me out, it’s never happened to me before; I’ve
crossed over some invisible line where now I prefer “fake” men to “real”
ones. But, in my defense, I am horny a lot, I jerk off usually
once or twice a day and I can’t find real guys to do this with so I go
to the Internet and get off that way. It works: I cum and go on
about my day. But now I’m in bed with this hot guy and I couldn’t
cum with him. I’m a mess.
Stuck in two
dimensions
Dear Stuck:
When you obsess over
guys from the Internet, there’s no room for a real guy (who’s not so
perfect and available) in your life. Internet sex is fine as long
as it doesn’t replace or interfere with your ability to connect with
REAL people. It sounds like you’ve crossed your own line (of
mental health) and don’t like the results. So here are some
suggestions on how to sexually and emotionally re-connect with real men
(or women, or both):
Use the Internet
Wisely. When you go for sex to cheer yourself up or distract
yourself, the sex is usually lousy and you feel empty when it’s over.
You said that Internet sex works for you (“I cum and go on about my
day”), but If it really does, then why are you Emailing me? The
Internet is great as a supplement to – not substitute for – great sex
with real people. It can even be cool for couples as long as it
doesn’t get in the way of the ongoing deepening of mutual love, respect
and communication. It can be terrific for single people in that –
as you said in your Email – you can’t always have a guy (or girl) around
when you want to get off. Internet sex is like rich dessert – fun
on occasion – but too much is bad news.
Connect More with
Your Lovers: When you’re making out or making love with a partner,
keep your eyes open! It’s amazing how many people space out, close
their eyes and forget who they’re with. Maintaining eye contact
with your partner will help you resist the temptation to space out and
go off to Internet fantasyland. Great sex requires an emotional
connection with your partner(s). If you’re not really there with
them, you might as well jerk off alone. I advise couples I counsel
to maintain eye contact with each other during sex play, orgasm and
after. Anyone can close their eyes and jerk off to a fantasy.
It’s a release of sexual tension; no more, no less. Masturbating
can be a great source of pleasure and self-discovery – as long as it
doesn’t mess up your sex life when you’re NOT alone.
Real Men take Work:
Why do some of us prefer these two dimensional men to the ones we meet
(and often reject) every day? Real men take work; loving one
requires large amounts of patience, communication and respect, even on
the days when you hate their guts because they forgot to feed the dog or
clean the kitty pan and you just KNOW they did it to piss you off.
Two-dimensional men have no problems: no muss, no fuss, never a
disappointment. They’re there when you want them, will do as you
say (if you pay) and you can get rid of them as easily as a click of the
mouse. If only you could cuddle with them at night, wake up in
their arms, laugh with them over breakfast, kiss them goodbye before you
leave for work.
Fear of Real People:
Some people run from intimacy with real men and women and instead obsess
on their Internet fantasy lovers. Many of us are afraid to go out
and meet, approach, date and make love with real people. Rather
than look directly at our fears about relationships, we put our heads in
the sand and focus for our newest object of sexual obsession on our
favorite website(s). In the long run, those hunky, hung boys on
the internet can help you get off, but the boys (and girls) in real life
will help you grow as a person and deepen as a lover/friend/companion.
The choice is yours.
Michael Kimmel is an openly-gay California Licensed psychotherapist
(License # LCSW 20738) who maintains a private practice in the San
Diego area. He is a contributor to
Instinct magazine, San Diego's Gay & Lesbian Times, BUZZ
magazine and the San Diego Union-Tribune. Michael can be
reached at 619-955-3311 or through his website at
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com.
