The Joy of
condoms
by
Michael Kimmel
I
was out buying condoms this morning and wondered, how we can find the
joy in condoms when so many people just hate them? Poor, innocent
little lengths of latex, so benign, and yet, so despised. As a
therapist to the LGBT community, I hear a lot of complaining about
condoms. Here are some of the reasons to hate them that I hear the
most. I’m sure you can add some of your own:
-
they deaden feeling
-
they are a pain to use
-
they kill spontaneity
-
I lose my boner after I put one on.
-
the few times I didn’t use them I
enjoyed the sex so much more and so did the guy I fucked
-
how the hell can we be expected to
use one every single time we have sex for the rest of our lives?
-
I’d like to stay HIV-negative, but it
seems hopeless
Pretty depressing, eh? As a gay man who is blessed with a healthy sex
life, I validate your frustration: they can be a drag. So, what do we
do? Since using condoms is one of the best ways to stay HIV-negative,
how can we make using them as pleasant as possible? After years of
intense (!) personal and professional research, here are some ways to
get in touch with “the joy of condoms”:
Gay
sex (or any sex, for that matter) can get repetitive…condoms force you
to change your routine…people say, “oh, it kills the spontaneity” but
can anyone be totally spontaneous during sex? Don’t you need lube, or a
dildo, or a clean place to have sex, or a towel, or sexy underwear, or a
shower before you do it? Sex is not really so spontaneous; it often
involves a lot of planning…but, historically, that didn’t involve
putting on a condom. And let’s be real here: anal sex often requires a
lot of lube, how spontaneous is that? How spontaneous is it to spent 3,
5 or 10 minutes warming up your partner’s, um…butt hole…before
penetration?
Part of my job as a therapist is to talk about sex…to demystify it, take
it out of the dark ages and put it on the table so we can see what we’ve
really got here. Sex is great. It’s a wonderful thing, maybe one of
the best things in life. And yet, so is your health. Is it worth
seroconverting just to avoid a 30 second part of your sexual routine?
Yes folks, I said 30 seconds! When you plan to have put your penis into
a butthole (or a vagina, for you bi-guys), set yourself up for success:
have condoms and lube right by the bed where you can reach for them at
just the right moment (that takes, oh, about 3 seconds) and then
practice with your partner(s) putting it on your dick. Part of the fun
of playing with condoms is that you can make it sexy. I am not a sex
educator (although I used to volunteer for STOP AIDS in San Francisco
and MINORITY AIDS PROJECT in Los Angeles) but I know from experience
(“professional” experience, of course!) that putting on a condom can be
playful, erotic and make your (or your partner’s) erection even harder,
not limp-er.
A
big part of not letting condoms get you down (pun intended) is to stop
hating them. Are you sitting down? Ready for a shock? Here goes: the
true source of your erection is in your mind, not your dick. When you
find something erotic, it gets you hard. Eroticism and excitement start
in the mind…don’t believe me? Okay, when you masturbate, is it the
physical sensations that get you off or what you’re thinking about,
looking at or fantasizing about? That, my friend, is the mental part of
sex…and it’s often underestimated.
Use
your brain to keep your boners up after the condoms go on. Have you
ever thought something could never be “hot” and then, later on, you’ve
changed your mind about it? Experience and an open mind are beautiful
things. The same thing works for condoms…if you’re ignorant and
inexperienced, that’s no excuse! Educate yourself and get some practice
in!And don’t give me the sad story that you’re all alone…you want to be
ready when someone hot comes along, so practice with condoms alone, on
yourself, if you’re making love alone. See how they feel, jerk off with
them, close your eyes and don’t look at them if that helps…think of them
as just another sex toy.
Repetition makes things easier. It you moan about using condoms and
resist them, guess what? Using them will be more of a pain for you than
for someone who decides to go with the flow and experiments with them.
Do you know how many different kinds of condoms there are out there?
Dozens, maybe hundreds! Different thicknesses, lengths, sizes, fits,
feels and all kind of really amazing “special effects” (oh yes, dear
reader, you must go condom shopping soon, you might be amazed at all the
fun stuff you can try).
Condoms perform a valuable function; they’re not there to make your life
miserable. Some day we may not need them, but, for now, make peace with
them. Or don’t, and accept that your likelihood of seroconverting is
high and that, over time, the odds are against you. Hating condoms will
only make you miserable…so don’t be a hater. Try shifting your point of
view and seeing them as a part of sex that you might not have
experimented with before. And see if you can’t find at least a little
piece of “the joy of condoms”.
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
