I saw you last night
at “Spin Cycle” at Rich’s. I recognized you from your picture in the
GLT. Don’t you think you’re too old for a foam party? I went to your
web site and saw that you are 53. Don’t you think at that age you need
to stay home with your knitting? Just kidding, but not really.
Mister Foam Party
(age 25)
Dear Mister Foam
Party:
I like your
question, despite your saucy comment about my knitting. (Note: I love
to garden, but I don’t knit - yet). The next time you see me somewhere
out and about, please introduce yourself. We could have had a good
discussion about what is “too old” and what isn’t…and wasn’t “Spin
Cycle” a lot of fun? There’s nothing like dancing under an avalanche of
foam to feel the excitement and joy of being like a kid again.
But, back to your
question: As queer men and women, how do we know what is
age-appropriate for us? It’s easy to say, “Oh, just do what feels right
to you”, but what about being “appropriate”? And what is “appropriate”
anyway? Maybe it’s about being non-offensive. But, then, isn’t it
impossible not to offend someone just by being yourself? If life is all
about not offending people, none of us would have much fun at all, would
we?
When I was 25,
I dreaded being 50. 50 seemed so far away, and it didn’t look appealing
at the time. I remember calling one bar - patronized by older gay men -
a “wrinkle room”. All my friends called it that too. We thought we
were just having fun and being cute. Cut to the present: as you age
into your 40’s, 50’s and beyond, what and where is your place in the gay
community? Can you go to SAGE (Seniors Acting in a Gay Environment)
meetings and foam parties, or is that just too weird? Can you enjoy
knitting and going to Montage, Bacchus House and other gay bars
patronized by younger gay men? Or should you “Know Better”, “Stay in
your Place” and avoid situations where much younger gay men may be
hanging out?
We’re talking about
Ghettoization by Age. I wish when I was 25 I had known some cool older
gay guys who enjoyed life and didn’t base their happiness on a perfect
body or face. But, in all honesty, I was like you, dear Reader, I only
wanted to be around people my age. Why do we ghettoize by age? Fear is
behind all of this. We cling to people like us – in age, race, income,
education, religion – because it’s comfortable and familiar.
By ghettoizing by
age, we miss out on so much. We miss out on variety. We miss out on
learning from those older and younger than we are. The bottom line is:
don’t we all need each other? Can’t we all learn from each other? Can
you see me at a foam party and see yourself (still enjoying life and
trying new things) in 28 years? Or is it painful to see a 53-year-old
person having fun because you can’t visualize yourself at that age as a
happy, fulfilled elder?
It’s common in our
community to make fun of people who are not aging in a way we consider
“attractive”. This is one reason why plastic surgery and injectibles
like Botox and Restylene are increasingly popular in the LGBT
community. Once the domain of straight, wealthy women, these expensive
and invasive procedures promise a lifetime of looking 25, 35, or
whatever. This is self-hatred repackaged as “Don’t I deserve it?”
This kind
of backwards logic (e.g, the outside is what matters most and the inside
is secondary) makes a mess of our lives…and we wonder why we can’t
sustain meaningful relationships. Meaningful relationships are not
about sharing the same plastic surgeon; they’re about depth of
personality, feelings, integrity, humor…all the stuff you can’t sculpt
with a surgical blade or syringeful of Botox.
It’s healthy to
eat well, take care of yourself, exercise and be good to your body.
It’s unhealthy to obsess on your IMAGE at the expense of your inner
feelings and emotions. Maybe a foam party isn’t the place you’d
expect to find a 53-year-old gay man, but can you celebrate with me
and see how one person thinking and living a little outside the “box”
of rigid expectations can make it just a bit more possible for ALL of
us to move outside that same damn rigid box? We’re all in this
together; can we enjoy growing, maturing and aging together too?
