Dear Michael:
My boyfriend and I
have been together for about 3 year’s now. At the beginning the sex was
great, now it’s almost non-existent, but we still love each other very
much. A while back we started having 3-ways with other guys, and that
was cool. But, in the last few months, he told me he’s not into those
anymore and he wants to have an open relationship where each of us does
our own thing sexually. This isn’t my preference, but I went along with
it (I’m not very assertive). Now he’s never home; when he’s not at
work, he’s almost always out having sex. On weekends, he’s on the
computer for 3-4 hours a day looking to hook up. He goes to bathhouses
once or twice a week too. It feels like our relationship is falling
apart. Am I married to a sex addict?
Unloved and unlaid
Dear U&U:
I get a lot of
questions about sex addiction. Unfortunately, it is an increasingly
popular topic. Your letter mentions several problems: It’s hard for
you to be assertive, your boyfriend’s having sex with other people and
you’re not thrilled about it, your relationship feels like it’s falling
apart, and you wonder if you’re married to a sex addict.
Does your man have a
sex addiction? I define sex addiction as sexual behavior that
habitually interferes with a person’s well-being. Any sexual activity
that “runs” us can be an addiction. Does your boyfriend’s desire for
sex interfere with the health of your relationship? It’s not sex
outside of a relationship that is destructive, it’s WHY the person is
having sex with (so many) other guys. It’s not the behavior so much as
the motivation behind it. If the two of you are happy with your own
non-overlapping sex lives, then great. But, it sounds like you’re not.
With the easy
availability of Internet sex (photos, videos, websites) and hook-up
sites, many a gay guy has allowed himself to be tempted away from his
main man. And, you may ask, why not? If you’re horny and alone and
your boyfriend’s asleep so early (again!) or at work, is there harm to
getting off over the Internet? Look at your motivation and the
frequency of the behavior: if your boyfriend can’t ignore the desire
for sex and feels like his dick is telling him what to do (and not vice
versa), then he may have a sex addiction. Here are some questions to
ask him:
1.
Can you turn down sex or do
you have it any time you can get it?
2.
Do you spend large amounts
of time looking for sex?
3.
Do you need to have sex or
is a choice, e.g., can you take it or leave it?
4.
Do you obsess about sex?
5.
Do you panic when you think
that you may not have sex today/tonight?
6.
Do you put yourself at risk
as a result of your sexual activities, e.g., having unsafe sex?
7.
Does your sex life interfere
with your job, our relationship or being with friends?
How do you approach
your boyfriend if you think he has a sex addiction? Very gingerly.
Imagine that your roles were reversed and he was confronting you with
upsetting behavior: how would you like to be approached? What would
turn you off or make you defensive? The same is probably true for him.
If you are going to talk with him about your concerns, be honest, loving
and respectful. Tell him your concerns about him, you and your
relationship.
If your boyfriend is
willing, he might consider groups and/or individual therapy to help him
regain control of his sex life. He can Google “sex addiction” and
choose from a lot of options, or he can call (619) 685-7211 to find out
about local meetings of “Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous” (aka SLAA) or
contact them on the web at
www.slaa-san-diego.org.
SLAA uses a 12-step model to help people who have sex addictions; their
meetings are free and visitors/guests are not allowed.
You said it’s hard
for you to be assertive. This is something that you could work on in
individual psychotherapy or with the help of a good book like “When I
Say No, I Feel Guilty” by Manuel J. Smith (a classic in assertiveness
training). Whether your boyfriend has a sex addiction or not, find a
way to talk with him about your sex life. Be assertive: tell him what
you would like. See if the two of you can find mutual satisfaction
and keep your relationship from “falling apart” (your words). Whether
you’re married to a sex addict or not, it sounds like your
relationship needs a tune-up. Either talk it out yourself or get
support from friends or a mental health professional. If your
relationship is worth working for, now’s the time. Don’t be shy!
