This
is a recent advice column I wrote for the San Diego Gay & Lesbian
times. In it, I am asked what to when your best friend is really
sleazy: Do you say anything? If so, how?
Dear Michael:
My best friend, Dex,
is a great guy, but one thing he does really bugs me: everywhere we go,
he hits on guys. We’re both single, so I used to think I was jealous,
but not anymore. Recently, we were at the same party and he was hitting
on a cute young guy (he always goes for the really young ones) and it
was so obvious and sleazy that I was embarrassed to be his friend.
After he walked away, this young guy said to his friend, “Can you
believe how aggressive that guy is, he must be really desperate” and
then they laughed at Dex. Do I say something, and, if so, how? Or do I
say nothing and drop him? He has so many other good qualities, but this
one drives me nuts.
Almost Done with Dex
Dear Almost Done:
It’s hard being a
friend sometimes, isn’t it? Everyone has qualities that we love and a
few we can’t stand, so what do you do when the bad starts to outweigh
the good? Here are some options to consider:
Is there a gracious
way to bring this up? To discover how, I suggest you write down what
you want to say to Dex and then put it away for 3 days, then get it out
and re-read it. As you read it, ask yourself: “What would it be like
if someone was saying this to ME? How would I handle hearing something
like this?” If it would make you defensive or pissed off, then edit it
until it doesn’t.
It’s hard to talk
about uncomfortable emotions, but if we can’t practice with our best
friend(s), who can we practice with? Do you think Dex is willing to
hear what you have to say? If you’re really close, odds are he is. You
could say some version of, “Dex, I’m uncomfortable with how often you
hit on guys when we hang out together. Can we talk about this?” He may
be unaware and welcome your input (or not) or he may be aware and open
to talking about it (or not). You can’t predict his response, so focus
on what YOU want to communicate. Remember to be respectful, kind and
honest. Put yourself in his shoes. If he’s close to you, as you say,
he will care about your feelings. What he chooses to do about them is
up to him.
Another option is to
not say anything but to avoid situations where this behavior is likely
to occur. But if he is really your best friend and he does this
“everywhere we go”, that tactic probably won’t work.
A last option is to
see him less and say nothing, but this is really the coward’s way out.
Have faith in yourself and your friendship and use this awkward
situation to get better at talking about difficult emotions. It’s a
good life skill, and sooner or later, we all have to learn it.
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