No One’s
Faithful Anymore
by Michael Kimmel
Dear Michael:
I am so disgusted
with our community. It seems that nobody is faithful to their partner
anymore. I was in a 10-year relationship that recently ended. I was
faithful to my boyfriend and (to my knowledge) he was faithful to me.
Now that I’m single, I am meeting all these gay men in “committed”
relationships who want to fool around with me “on the side”. At first I
thought it was just a fluke, but it keeps happening over and over
again. I’m not looking to rush right into another relationship, but I
don’t want to be someone’s “piece on the side” either. Why isn’t anyone
faithful anymore?
Disgusted and
Disillusioned
Dear D&D:
First of all, I
imagine it’s pretty hard for you to end a 10-year relationship. You’ve
been out of the dating scene for quite a while. Give yourself plenty of
time to readjust. Keep your expectations reasonable and realize that it
usually takes about 6 months after a long-term relationship for the
“shock” to really wear off. The transition to being single doesn’t
happen overnight: it’s a process, not an event. Getting used to being
on your own is bound to be tough, no matter whether your relationship
was monogamous or not.
And let’s talk
about monogamy. Just because your relationship was monogamous, doesn’t
mean it’s the perfect model for everyone. If it worked for you, great.
It doesn’t work for everyone: take a minute, read your Email, and notice
how judgmental you are. You say you’re “disgusted” with men who aren’t
monogamous in their relationships. It sounds like this issue pushes
your buttons. Take responsibility for your reactions and do a little
introspection to see why “open” relationships “disgust” you so.
So all these
“married” gay guys are hitting on you. Are you doing something to
attract them? Are you meeting single men too? If not, perhaps you’ve
got something going on where you are attracting “unsuitable” guys (e.g.,
not single). Take a look at your own motivation: what is it you want
right now? Do you want to have fun and date? Do you want to find
someone great to settle down with? If you don’t know what you want, you
may be putting out mixed signals. Again, take responsibility for your
part in this.
Do you remember
what flirting is? Perhaps your memory is a bit hazy. While some guys
take flirting as playful fun; other guys may take flirting as a sign
that you’d like to have sex with them. Could this be your situation?
Maybe you think you’re just being friendly and outgoing and it’s being
misinterpreted as “I’m available for sex and you look good to me”.
Many relationships
between men are not 100% monogamous. Is this a crime? Many of my
clients in long-term relationships tell me that their relationships go
through cycles of being “open” and “closed”. In this column, I’ve
written about the joys and perils of each. Neither is better, they’re
just different. See if you can stop judging people and accept that
these guys find you attractive. You simply need a gracious way of
saying, “Thanks, but no thanks” to the married men who find you hot.
Tell them something like: “I’m flattered, but I’m really looking for
single guys”. By saying something like that, you’re being gracious to
them and putting out what it is you really want. Eventually, the
married guys will leave you alone and the single guys will get the
message.
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
