As my
grandma (the Ohio chicken farmer) said, “Nobody’s life is shit-free”.
She’s right: no one has parents who do everything right. Our friends
let us down, lovers screw up, bosses and coworkers act like morons.
There is a huge temptation to blame other people for our problems. As a
psychotherapist, I see this all the time, “I’m so depressed because my
mother never paid any attention to me” or “I’m so messed up because my
ex cheated on me and now I can’t trust anybody.” By blaming other
people for our problems, we don’t have to be responsible. We get to be
victims, and we get the perfect excuse not to change: it’s all their
fault.
Sometimes my clients blame themselves and describe their parents,
friends, ex lovers as almost perfect: “I don’t want to blame my
parents…they did the best they could” or “It’s all my fault, my ex was a
saint to put up with me.” It may be so painful to tell yourself the
truth about your parents, lovers or friends (they screwed up, big
surprise) that you become hyper-responsible. It’s not helpful to blame
all your problems on yourself, e.g., “Oh, I’m just so lazy, it’s all my
fault” or “I’m just such a frigging mess, I’ve always been this way.”
Blaming yourself or someone else for your troubles will get you
nowhere. I suggest an alternative: being responsible.
Being
responsible means that you tell yourself (and others) the truth about
what happened in the past, see it in context, learn something from it
and move on. It’s not about denial: you can’t learn anything from
saying, “Well, my ex was a total asshole, oh well, whatever…” How can
you learn anything from that kind of verbal shoulder shrug?
John
Bradshaw, the author of all those “inner child” books so popular in the
1990’s, said, “Despite the hardships of my life, I don’t blame my
parents for the painful events in my childhood. How could I? My
parents were wounded children themselves. My Dad was a sick alcoholic
and my mother did the best she could under the circumstances.” If
Bradshaw blamed his parents for his adult problems, he would be avoiding
his own feelings (shame, guilt, anger) and he’d likely be stuck in
them. Being responsible is about understanding what happened to us and
putting it in context. San Diego author Louise Hay says, “We are all
victims of victims.” This sounds pretty damn depressing, until you look
at it from another point of view: our parents couldn’t teach us anything
they didn’t know, neither could our friends or lovers. Everyone is
doing the best they can with the knowledge that they have at that time.
Few people deliberately set out to mess with our heads, they just don’t
know any better. This includes us.
Many
people enjoy playing the victim; it gives you the best excuse in the
world for being messed up, immature and bitter. “They did it TO me!
Poor helpless sweet little me”. This may have been true when you were a
little kid, but are you going to stay a victimized little child for the
rest of your life? Blame will keep you stuck there. This sounds good
in theory, but how do you pull it off in real life?
If
your father beat you when you were a kid, saying it was because he loved
you, how do you not blame him? Let’s assume he did love you, but his
way of showing it was abusive. As an adult, this childhood abuse has
affected you in a certain way. You may have trouble setting boundaries
with people because you couldn’t have any as a kid. Having poor
boundaries is typical of people who were abused as children. You may
even have sexual boundary problems and can’t stop being sexual. Being
responsible is a process of accepting what happened in your past and
validating it in the present, so you can work through it and be free
from this old shit. It means being 100% accountable for yourself NOW,
in the present. Blame, on the other hand, sounds like this: “This is
how I am and I can’t change it…I hate my dad and I’ll never stop hating
him for what he did to me.” Getting out of a cycle like this is
impossible: This is why people get stuck in hating and vengeance and
typically say stuff like, “I’m not forgiving them, they don’t deserve
it.”
Let me
share my formula with you: Blame = avoidance. Responsibility =
potential for change. If you want to keep on doing the same
old-same-old, then stay with your blame. Don’t be surprised, however,
when you feel depressed, cynical and bitter. This is where blame takes
you. If you want to change your life, start to take responsibility for
yourself. Yeah, maybe some nasty shit has happened to you in the past,
but what do you want your future to be? If you’re ready to change,
seeing the past clearly and (eventually) forgiving yourself and the
other “guilty” parties can usher in a new way of living: one full of
possibilities and unimagined psychological freedom. The formula doesn’t
lie: the choice is yours.
Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist (LCSW
Lic. #20738) with a private practice in San Diego. He can be reached at
619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com.
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Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
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Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
