Sleeping
with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
by Michael Kimmel
Dear
Michael:
I’ve
lived a pretty wild past. In college, I slept with my then-girlfriend
“Amber” on a regular basis and with lots of guys on the side. One of
these guys was my girlfriend’s father “Tom”. Don’t ask how it happened;
he seduced me and I enjoyed it and I slept with both Amber and Tom (not
together, I do have SOME morals!) for several years. Long after my
Amber and I broke up, Tom came to visit me when I lived in Phoenix and
we continued to have really great sex. Last year he came to San Diego
and we again slept together, hung out, and had a lot of fun. I enjoy
being with him. Tom is still with his wife and I don’t think they talk
about his “indiscretions”.
I’ve
kept in touch with Amber via periodic Emails and phone calls since we
“broke up” after college. We’ve remained long-distance friends (she’s
now married and a mom and lives in Chicago). Last night, I got an Email
from Amber that she, her husband and their son want to come to San Diego
and spend some time with me. She and her husband know I’m gay and
they’re both cool with that. However, I am uncomfortable about seeing
her again, as I don’t know what (if anything) she knows about me
sleeping with her dad. What should I do?
Uh-oh in La Mesa
Dear
Uh-oh:
Thank you for your amazing Email. You know, sometimes people
ask me if I make up these questions because some of are so “unusual”.
The truth is certainly more interesting than fiction, isn’t it? You
have quite a wild past, my friend, and now it appears to be crashing
into your present. Let’s look at what your options include:
#1: Say nothing. Either Amber doesn’t know (and why would you
bring it up?) or she does know and doesn’t choose to discuss the topic.
You don’t say if she even knows her dad is gay or bi, so who knows how
much or how little she knows about his sex life. The point is, she
needn’t know that it involves you and that “he seduced me and I enjoyed
it” and that you slept with her and her dad for several years. Yikes!
That could probably get you on Jerry Springer. Luckily, you have too
much class for that, that’s why you’re writing to me. Right?
#2. You could bring up the subject with Amber during her
visit. But, honestly, why would you do that? It could only cause
heartache and great discomfort.
Let’s assume a third option: #3. Amber brings up the subject
with you, and asks “did my Dad ever make a pass at you or anything? I
think that he sleeps with men, and I always wondered if he did anything
with you.” Here, my friend, you are on thin (and rapidly moving) ice.
You could be damned if you tell the truth, regardless of how artfully
you put it. You could lie, and that may placate her, but how would YOU
feel about that? Your past may be back to haunt you, and if she brings
it up, the choice of how honest to be is yours.
As a
therapist, I don’t tell my clients what to do, I help them look at their
options and possible ramifications (to themselves and others) of each
one.
Regardless of which option you choose, I strongly recommend
contacting Tom and discussing the situation with him before you
do anything. Whatever you do will impact him and his family; he can
tell you what he has shared with his family (if anything) about his
affair with you.
Also, Mr. Uh-oh, you may want to consider if you wish to
continue to have sex with Tom on his visits to San Diego…after all,
hasn’t that created quite a tricky set of circumstances for you, him and
Amber? There’s nothing wrong with living it up when you’re young, but
sometimes it comes back to haunt us. Whatever you choose to do could
impact the lives of many people. Please make your choices with
consideration for your own well-being and that of Amber, Tom and their
families. Good luck!
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
