There’s
a lot of talk in the air about the pros and cons of Internet sex. The
Internet has a lot to offer as far as “healthy sex” is concerned, e.g., we
can arrange sexual hook-ups, see erotic photos/videos/webcams and engage
in sexual conversations with other people. However, in the therapeutic
world of psychotherapy, Internet sex usually gets a bad rap. Frequently
the word “addiction” gets thrown in there too. To me, this is like saying
that TV is “addicting” or your ipod is “addictive”. When my clients tell
me they’re worried they may be “addicted” to Internet sex, I usually ask
them what they want from the Internet and what’s their motivation for
using it? For example:
Do you
use the internet to meet real people for sexual encounters?
Do you
use it to jerk off to videos or pictures?
Do you
use it to have erotic on-line conversations?
Do you
cruise sites just out of curiosity and just “observe”?
Like any
other tool, you can use the Internet to make your life more interesting
and stimulating or you can use it to avoid interactions with real people.
You may be afraid to meet, date and make love with real people, instead,
you focus your attention on the newest hot boy/girl on your favorite
website(s). If you were my client, stuck in a rut like this, I’d ask you
to look at: “Why am I so afraid of people? or “Why is it so hard for me to
meet people?” While those seemingly perfect boys/girls on the Internet
can help you get off fast and easy, it’s the boys/girls in real life that
– ultimately – will bring you the greatest happiness and the best sex.
But,
it’s hard work. Easier to click and jerk and go about your day, isn’t it?
Do you
feel any shame or guilt about your Internet sex life? If you hide it from
friends, roommates, or your partner, you’ve got a problem. What are you
ashamed of? Maybe you don’t feel good about what you’re doing. Often,
when you cruise for sex because you’re lonely, the sex is usually lousy
and you feel empty when it’s over. The Internet is great as a supplement
to – not substitute for – sex and connections with real people.
A client
asked me recently, “How do I know if I’ve gone too far – spending too much
time - looking for sex on the internet?” I asked him, “Do you use it just
to get off or to actually connect with people? I encouraged him to know
what it is he wants from the internet, to be clear about his motivation.
If you just want to get off, then tell yourself the truth about it. If
you want to connect with more people, consider if the Internet is the best
way to meet the kinds of people you’re looking for. While lots of people
hook up on sites like ManHunt or CraigsList, other people are looking for
friendships and LTRs (long term relationships) on sites like Match.com and
Yahoo Personals. Why not use the Internet for both? Who said you can’t
meet nice people through dating sites? And who said there’s anything
wrong with hooking up on-line? Is it really any different than going to a
bar or club, hoping to get laid?
Here’s
some tips for making your Internet hook-ups as fulfilling as possible.
When you hook up with someone, take a risk: REALLY connect with them.
See who this person is. This isn’t a video, it’s a real man/woman, with
emotions and feelings just like you. Let your experience with them be a
full body/mind adventure: experience them with your mind, heart and
dick. The best sex involves all three aspects of yourself. Your mind has
the creative fantasies, your heart has the emotional connection, and your
dick has the sexual energy. When you get all three working together: the
possibilities for passionate sex and emotional connection are amazing!
Let’s
say you’ve met Mr. Handsome on Adam4Adam and he’s now sitting on your
couch. When you’re making out with him, keep your eyes open and connect
with him. This is a Tantric Sex tip…here’s another one: see if you can
breathe together. It will deepen your sexual connection. Contrary to
porn videos, you don’t need to swing from a trapeze or screw under a
waterfall to have an intense sexual adventure. Great sex requires an
emotional connection with your partner(s). If you’re not really there
with them, you might as well jerk off alone.
If you
never use the Internet to eventually meet real people, ask yourself: why
do I prefer to masturbate to images of two dimensional hotties instead of
have sexual adventures with people I see every day? While it’s true that
two-dimensional Internet “lovers” are always there when you want them (as
long as you pay), there’s so much they can’t offer. You can’t cuddle with
them at night, wake up in their arms, laugh with them over breakfast, or
kiss them goodbye before you leave for work.
I
recommend that you consider Internet sex as the “dessert” to the feast of
your life…and why not have a rich, calorie-laden dessert now and then?
However, if Internet sex is always the “main course” of your sex life, you
may be using it to avoid meeting real people who could actually hold you,
kiss you, caress you, give you a massage and ask you out on an actual
date. Who said you can’t use the Internet to have fast and
tension-relieving online jerk-off sex AND use it to meet real people that
you can kiss, hug, sleep with and maybe even grow to love. Remember:
it’s just a tool. How you use it is up to you.
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
