by Michael Kimmel
The
longer I practice psychotherapy, the more I hear phrases like, “Only
young guys turn me on”, “men my age aren’t attractive to me” or “being
with someone older and more successful than I am terrifies me.” These
phrases typically fall from the lips of mid-life gay men; I rarely hear
them from guys in their 20’s or 30’s. I wonder if successful gay/bi San
Diegans are destined to be like those rich, narcissistic gay Hollywood
moguls, who, when they find another wrinkle or gray hair or saggy pec,
get rid of boyfriend #1 and take up with someone who’s barely legal? Is
how we handle getting older?
Remember Peter Pan? His theme song was, “I won’t grow up”. Sound
familiar? While this may be charming in an animated Disney character,
it’s pretty sad in a gay man. So many mid-life gay men lament: “I
can’t find anyone to date who’s relationship material”. Is it such a
big surprise that someone 20 years’ younger than you isn’t as mature as
you are? Let’s put the puzzle pieces together: unless you relish the
role of perpetual daddy/mentor/teacher, you need a partner who’s a peer,
an equal…someone who’s been “around the block” like you have and has
comparable life experience. This is unlikely to be someone 20 years’
younger than you.
Some
mid-life gay or bisexual men say that men like them “do nothing for me”.
This is a form of self-hatred. Why would we reject potential partners
who are our age? Must we hate growing older? Aging is inevitable…we
can fight it (like Joan Rivers or Phyllis Diller) or we can accept it
like Paul Newman, Robert Redford and elders who were once amazingly
beautiful and still are, albeit in a 60- to-80-year-old way.
Peter
Pan wants to stay eternally youthful…like a kid. Many of us want to
look like a kid while we age. What an uphill struggle that is. Do you
really want to experience all the anxiety and fear that comes with
continually fighting the aging process? I’m not recommending that you
stay home, eat junk food and watch bad TV all day. However, neither
should you obsess with every wrinkle, gray hair and physical change you
are inevitably to experience. This is an incredible waste of your
energy; it will bring you much suffering and depression.
Peter
Pan never had an adult relationship; adult relationships are hard work.
There’s no botox shot or liposuction procedure to make you or your lover
happy all the time. Real intimacy forces us to look at ourselves and
see all of our unresolved shit, not just the carefully-maintained image
we show to the world. One way to avoid real intimacy is by choosing men
who are unavailable (emotionally or mentally) or a bad fit
psychologically and maturity-wise. This kind of relationship would
please Peter Pan immensely: he’d never have to deal with grown up
problems like the boredom, anger, frustration and impatience that come
with adult, long-term relationships.
Many
wealthy, handsome and charming older gay men tell me that they want a
beautiful, kind, sweet, "twink" boyfriend. While young men like this
may be beautiful fantasy objects, with rare exceptions, they’re not good
potential partners for mid-life men. Psychologically, someone in his
20’s is in a very different place than someone in his 40’s or 50’s. The
developmental tasks for 20-year-olds include: experimentation, finding
yourself, having fun, getting laid, discovering who you are and what you
like. This is rarely a good fit for men 20 to 30 years older. At this
age, most of us are looking for something more meaningful: we’ve done
the bars, the clubs, the alleys (!) and we want more. We’ve had great
fun sex and been out all night more than we can count, but now we want
something with depth and meaning. We want to connect with another man
and see if we can create a good life together. Most young guys aren’t
there developmentally, emotionally or spiritually.
For
some men, being with much younger men is about control; it may be a
reaction to an earlier time in their life when they felt out of control
(and probably were). These men may feel they can play the "older, wiser"
man who may want to help or even mentor a younger guy; but, hey, all you
silver daddies out there, check out your motivation! You may have
unresolved emotional issues that push you to be very controlling of your
relationship(s). Picking much younger guys gives you a guarantee that
you won’t be threatened or challenged by someone your own age, who may
see through your bullshit and call you on it. Picking beautiful but
inexperienced “twinks” for partners is one way to avoid acting your age;
you avoid having a partner who challenges you to be the mature man you
could be. Instead, you get to live out a “second adolescence” and
pretend you’re much younger than you are. It’s a great way to avoid
telling yourself the truth about who you are, how old you are, and how
you feel about it.
Almost
all of us, myself included, like looking at the youthful bodies of
handsome young men: they are aesthetically beautiful, like living works
of art. But what about the beauty of 40-year-old men, 50-year-old
men...even 60- and 70-year-old men? Youth is a wonderful thing, but all
too often it’s used to sell us things we really don’t need and, if
unexamined, can destroy our self-esteem if we don’t fit the picture of
Youthful Gay Perfection. There’s nothing wrong with finding young guys
attractive, but if it prevents us from hooking up with someone hot,
handsome and around our own age - someone who could potentially be a
good boyfriend/lover/long term partner – than this Peter Pan side of
ourselves is not really our friend, after all. He’s the face of
self-sabotage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Kimmel is a licensed
psychotherapist (LCSW Lic. #20738) with a private practice in San
Diego. He can be reached at 619-955-3311 or
www.lifebeyondtherapy.com
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