Unlearning Jealous
by Michael Kimmel
“Let jealousy be your teacher.
Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing.
It can be your guide into your own dark side and show you the way to
total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace
with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.” Deborah Anapol,
Love without Limits
Jealousy feels lousy; most of us do
whatever we can not to go there. Why do we give it so much power to
make us miserable? Why do some people use jealousy as an “excuse” to go
berserk? Ask yourself: what is jealousy to me? For many of my
clients, it’s an expression of insecurity, fear, rejection, abandonment,
feeling inadequate, etc. Unlearning jealousy is a wonderful thing. I
help clients with this all the time. It’s a gradual process that takes
time and introspection, but the results are always worth it. To unlearn
jealousy, I help clients establish within themselves a strong foundation
of internal security that is not dependent on having or possessing
people or things. If we think we own someone or something, we’re stuck
in jealousy. We don’t own our partners, jobs, kids, looks, or
health…we’re really just “renting” them. We can’t make people stay with
us, nor can we hold onto something good forever. It’s in the nature of
people and phenomena to be impermanent…ideally, we’ill enjoy them while
they’re here and gracefully let go when it’s time. Sounds good, hard to
do.
One of the keys to unlearning
jealousy is self-validation. Slowly, we can begin the process of
looking to ourselves for our own happiness (an internal orientation) and
desperately needing less and less from other people, places or things
(an external orientation). This is not easy, but it is do-able. Start
small…begin to develop your own internal compass. For example, when you
do something well, don’t call your best friend right away. Instead,
really praise yourself and give yourself some meaningful positive
reinforcement. People who can take loving care of themselves are seldom
jealous.
Jealous people need other people to
do as they say. Because they don’t have strong internal compasses, they
usually cling to people and situations to feel okay. Jealous people
usually feel out of control, so they want to control their partners,
friends and everyone in their path. This isn’t because they’re cruel;
it’s because they’re scared.
Becoming your own source of strength
and comfort decreases your jealousy. When someone does something they
don’t like, a jealous person feels personally betrayed. A secure person
notices it and may say, “I really don’t like that. Please don’t do it
again.” and a calm, reasonable conversation can follow where a
compromise can be reached. Sound familiar? It’s how people maintain
long-term friendships/romantic relationships. It can’t always be about
you. For jealous people, it is all about them, because they’re so
insecure and unstable they need you to do what they say and not “upset”
them.
When I work with clients who feel
stuck in their jealousy, I ask them if they are WILLING to commit to not
acting out their jealousy (no more screaming, name-calling or throwing
things). Instead, we work together so they can sit with their jealous
feelings, identify and analyze them a bit. This strips the jealous
feelings of their power to make them feel crazy/out-of-control. I
encourage my clients to feel their jealousy rather than do something
about it. This is initially pretty uncomfortable, and many people tell
me things like “it’ll kill me to feel this bad”. But, It won’t.
However, habitually acting out from jealousy will kill your friendships,
romances, careers and even your own aliveness.
I encourage my clients to OWN their
jealousy, “I feel jealous because my boyfriend was checking that guy
out” or “I think my girlfriend is cheating on me because she was at the
grocery store longer than usual.” Intense jealousy reeks of paranoia,
and that brings us nothing but misery and craziness. But, there is good
news: if you are willing to sit still and listen to your jealous little
self with compassion, you quickly discover that jealousy is survivable.
That alone is shocking to lots of people. Unlearning jealousy isn’t
easy, but, it sure feels good the more you do it.
I’ll close with a quote from the
wonderful book, Ethical Sluts (authors: D. Easton & C. Liszt):
“I notice that jealousy comes and goes, depending on how good I feel
about myself. When I’m not taking care of getting what I want, it’s
easy to get jealous and think that someone else is getting what I‘m
not. I need to remember that it’s my job to get my needs met. I feel
the jealousy, but I’m not willing to act on it, so it mostly goes
away.”
And that, dear readers, is how it
works.
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
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Bad Boys and Good Boys
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Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
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Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
