Last week, San Diego’s Channel 6 news interviewed me about why people
gain weight. Weight gain (and loss) is, for many of us, right up there
with sex and money on the anxiety scale. Anxiety and weight gain are
linked. As the level of general anxiety continues to rise in our
society, the rate of obesity rises. For many of us, food is comfort.
Anxiety is usually a symptom of possible change in our lives…and change
is scary and uncomfortable. So who’s your best friend that’s always
there? Just open the refrigerator!
Scary times encourage us to eat things we don’t need, when we really
want comfort, not calories. I had a client who – when her business got
really busy and she was flying all over the country – would always gain
5-10 pounds. We called this her “worry weight”, because it only appeared
when she was overstressed or worried about her business. Once things
calmed down, she always lost her worry weight. This is a perfect example
of food as comfort.
Let’s look at the idea of “food as a friend”. Food is nutrition. It
is not a companion. Food is a sensory experience, not consolation for a
lousy life. The next time you go to the refrigerator, ask yourself,
“What am I looking for here?” If you’re bored, sad, depressed, lonely or
angry, food won’t help you. Food is not your friend; it’s a substitute
for a friend (and a poor one).
Weight is an emotionally-laden subject: it’s hard not to worry that
you don’t measure up to some unrealistic standard of beauty. If you’re
single, there’s so much pressure to look “hot” to attract the right
man/woman, and if you’re in an intimate relationship, that’s
anxiety-producing too. In a workshop for couples, psychotherapist
Stephen Levine said, “A monogamous relationship is the fastest way to
personal growth because it brings up all your unresolved stuff faster
than anything else.” Gaining weight can also be a great way to avoid
sex. Really good, deep, loving sex requires vulnerability. It’s easier
to say “I’m too fat to have you see me naked” than to say, “I’m scared
to death of how much I love you and how easily you can hurt me.”
Isn’t it ironic how weight gain is almost never about being hungry?
So what can you do?
-
When you gain weight, slow down and ask yourself:
what’s really going on with me? Instead of rushing off to buy
another diet book, take the time for some self-examination and find
out the MOTIVATION behind your eating.
- ocus on how you’re thinking and feeling, not how you look. What
you think determines how you feel, and how feel determines what,
when and how often you eat. Get in touch with your thoughts and
feelings and get to the core of why you’re eating as you are.
- In changing any behavior pattern, first comes inner change, then
external change (e.g., losing weight).
- Face the truth: food is not your best friend. It’s a substitute
for a friend. If you need friends, focus on building friendships,
not eating.
- · For most people, gaining weight really isn’t about the weight,
it’s about your happiness (or lack of it) in your life and
relationships. Address the real problem.
“Body dysmorphia” is a psychological term that describes a kind of
distorted thinking about our bodies, e.g., we used to be heavy, but now,
no matter how much we weigh, we can never be thin enough. We see
ourselves in a distorted way, like a fun house mirror. Southern
California is rife with body dysmorphia, it could almost be our
unofficial motto, “You’ll never look good enough here: get over it.”
It’s not easy to hold onto your mental sanity against all the diet- and
weight-loss related stuff shoved down our throats…but if we don’t change
how we think about ourselves, any diet, exercise or weight-loss program
will fail over time. It’s not so hard to lose weight, but it’s very hard
to keep it off. In her book, “The Only Diet There Is”, Sondra Ray says
that only a “diet” of no negative thinking leads to long-term health and
reasonable weight. Unless we change how we think, we’re unlikely to
change our weight or health, and the result is yo-yo dieting that
trashes our self-esteem. Change your thinking and your weight will
follow.
Michael Kimmel, San Diego Psychotherapist - 619-955-3311 –
