Whatever
happened to Romance?
by Michael Kimmel
Dear Michael:
I feel like I’m living in the wrong era: I want to be romanced, wined,
dined…you know, wooed (I like that old-fashioned word). I’m only 24,
but I don’t want quick hookups or fast sex. I want a courtship, where
we slowly get to know each other. No sex right away, but yes to kisses
and stuff to lead up to it eventually. I am considered good-looking and
have no trouble getting men interested, but they all want to have sex on
the first date. What ever happened to romance? Am I totally out of
touch?
Likes to take it slow
Dear Mr. Slow:
There is nothing wrong in knowing what you want and asking for it. Stay
true to yourself and keep putting out what you want…eventually, the
universe will send it your way. Know that you are not alone in wanting
romance, courtship and wooing (aren’t these great words?) Many of my
clients have expressed similar sentiments.
Let’s not believe that everyone but you lives the life of a porn star:
sex with the mailman, sex with the next door neighbor, sex with the UPS
guy…and all before lunchtime! Most of us are searching for a
combination of friendship, physical attraction and respect in a partner
relationship. Great sex is great stuff, but it’s not the foundation for
a long term connection.
Having sex with a potential boyfriend right away usually comes from one
of several motivations:
(1)
“I just want
to have some fun”.
(2)
“I don’t know
what I want”, and/or
(3)
“If I don’t’
sleep with you right away, you probably won’t stick around to get to
know me”.
Unfortunately, door number (3) is the one that many of us pick. It’s
unfortunate because it’s often not what we really want, it’s what we
settle for. It sounds like you’re not willing to settle for less. Good
for you. It may take you longer to find a man who shares your
commitment to romance, courtship and wooing than someone who just wants
sex, but once you do, it’s more likely that he’ll be a keeper.
Some clients – particularly younger men – have asked me: “What exactly
is courtship or wooing?” According to author, Ellen Gilchrist, “the way
to woo someone is to give him (or her) what he needs before he knows he
needs it, or to give him what he needs before he asks”. Gilchrist knew a
woman who fell in love with a man because he bought her a clothes dryer
and had it delivered to her house: the woman was struggling financially
and had to take her clothes to a Laundromat to dry them. Her lover saw
a need and filled it. That’s romance baby! Talking about love is easy:
romantic actions - like Mr. Dryer Man’s - speak volumes.
Being wooed isn’t the same as being seduced into sex. It’s not about
being tricked or used. It may not last forever, but it changes you.
Talk about a way to boost your self-esteem! Being wooed makes us feel
special, appreciated…really heard, seen and appreciated. Who wouldn’t
want that?
So how do we get it? By giving it. Someone’s got to show a good
example, right? If we’re all waiting for someone else to woo us,
nothing’s gonna happen. It’s not about money either…a seashell wrapped
up in tissue paper with a love note may carry more romantic power than a
big box from Neiman-Marcus. When someone tells us he thinks about us
all day, when he leaves us funny phone messages or shows up unexpectedly
with a sweet little plant from Home Depot, we know that we are
appreciated.
Courtship is about getting to know each other. Sex is about sexual
release. The two overlap, but, unlike quick sex, courtship is about
the gradual buildup of sexual desire and interest. You don’t read much
about this, but let’s be real: a certain amount of sexual frustration is
good for you! And no moaning from you Internet sex addicts. Have you
noticed how empty you feel after instant sexual gratification? You had
no time to develop interest in the person…no courting, no wooing…you
just hooked it, did it, and moved on. This quantity approach to love
leaves you feeling empty. There’s something missing. Romance,
courtship and wooing may be old-fashioned words, but we’re really
talking about satisfaction, depth and meaning. Meaningless sex won’t
take you there.
Many of us are afraid to woo someone because we may feel we will be
taken advantage of, laughed, mocked or ignored. Well folks, if you
don’t take a chance, nothing much is likely to happen. Courtship is
pro-active. Don’t sit around and wait for it to happen TO you. Why
don’t YOU start to court someone else. If they don’t return your
affection, consider it practice. Eventually, you’ll woo someone who
finds you adorable and terrific. And, believe me, you’ll be glad that
you had all that practice!
Affirmations – useful or New Age fluff?
“A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities”
A Low Stress Life
Could I Bisexual?
Bad Boys and Good Boys
Balancing Heart, Mind and Dick: A primer for Gay Love
Bathhouse Revelations
Clothes, creativity and self expression
Codependent? No more!
Curiosity and Passion
Developing “Boyfriend Radar”
Don't let your good intentions become great
disappointments
Drama Queens (and KINGS)
Everything pisses me off! Do I need Anger Management?
Fixing a saggy sex life
Gay Couples and "The Three Year Itch"
Getting along with difficult people
Happiness: What is it and how to get more of it
Having fun at parties: don't get stuck with the duds
How to make internet sex work for you
I hate the holidays!
Just what is age-appropriate behavior?
Lower your Stress, Reduce your Anxiety and Decrease your
Panic Disorder
Married to a Sex Addict
My best friend is a sleazeball
No One’s Faithful Anymore
Playing the Blame Game
Sleeping with my girlfriend (and her dad on the side)
The "D" word
The Healthy Side of Internet Sex
The Joy of Condoms
The Peter Pan Syndrome
To Botox or not to Botox: That is the Question
Unlearning Jealousy
Whatever happened to Romance?
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
Why is being a part of a gay couple so much work?
Yoga + weight training + meditation - happy mind, body and
spirit
Young, HIV-positive and totally bummed
