Dear Totally:
Finding out you’re
HIV-positive is a huge shock to anyone’s life. This kind of big-time
shock is a jolt to the psyche and the body. Give yourself time to get
used to this new piece of information. You’ve asked me for my advice as
a therapist, so let me address a few of the initial reactions that my
clients have had when they’ve received similar news:
Pitying yourself:
It’s an irony of life that many, if not all, of us end up the people
that we once felt sorry for. Look at old(er) people, for example. When
we’re young, we often feel sorry for old(er) people. We may think that
it's sad that they don’t look as fabulous as we do. How ironic.
Eventually, if we live so long, we BECOME the people we once felt sorry
for and we learn how to BE them with dignity and pride. This is your
situation: you are now HIV-positive, the kind of person that you and
your friends used to pity. Dear Reader, it’s obviously time for a major
shift in your thinking. Pity isn’t a helpful emotion; empathy is. Most
of us have been through enough private hells that we can either become
angry and shut down or more compassionate and open-hearted. Given your
difficult news, it’s probable that you feel angry, bitter and shut
down. That’s okay. Let yourself feel it for a while…but not forever.
Eventually, you’ll get sick of being sad and angry and will likely find
the beginnings of acceptance. I don’t promise you that the anger and
bitterness will completely go away; you may still be asking, “Why me?
Why not other people who had a lot more unsafe sex than I did?” for a
while. Or you may go for the opposite…
Guilt and blame:
Many of my clients, upon finding out they were HIV-positive, felt guilty
about it and blamed themselves for behavior that led to their
seroconverting. Try to minimize the guilt and blame you heap on
yourself; instead, give yourself the kindness and love that you would
offer your best friend if he or she came to you with the same news.
Often we’re a lot kinder to others than we are to ourselves. It’s
unlikely you’d blame or guilt-trip a close friend who was HIV-positive;
it’s more likely you’d support him, give her a shoulder to cry on, try
to cheer him up, help her cope with the bad news. Do the same for
yourself. Initially, you may isolate…but eventually, baby, you need to
come out of the HIV closet and get support. This brings me to…
Telling other
people: You may have already told some of the people you’re closest
to. Or not. Initially, I advise confiding only in the one or two
people that you trust the most. Leave it at that for a while. You have
enough on your plate right now, so don’t worry about how to tell your
neighbors, work colleagues, acquaintances or relatives. That’ll come
later.
I strongly recommend
that you connect with San Diego’s awesome and diverse HIV-positive
community and personally get to know other HIV-positive people. There
are HIV-positive support groups at The Center and other locations
throughout the County and there are HIV-positive social groups, like
POZibilities. You may not be ready for these now, but keep them in mind
for the future. It really helps to talk and hang with other people who
are in the same boat. No one else knows how it feels like except
someone who’s gone through it. Other HIV-positive folks will have
wisdom and experience to offer you in helping you to decide whether or
not to tell your boss, your family, friends and other people in your
life about your HIV status. While it’s helpful to consider their
advice; it’s your life, so don’t let anyone pressure you into doing
anything that doesn’t feel right for you. Let me know how you’re doing
by dropping me another Email anytime.
_______________________________________________________
